Brief letters

Dear Jasper-dog,

Please stop insisting on eating E's crayons. Crayola aren't cheap and I'm positive that they're not good for you innards.

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Dear E,

Why must you ALWAYS get poo on the trousers I love you in most? Do you hate them? Is this your first attempts at rebelling against the clothes I choose for you?

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Dear Facebook,

Stop trying to trick us with your updates and hashtags. I will not have my security compromised.

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Dear new parents, particularly ones known to me,

Please stop making such beautiful babies. They're making me broody and my ovaries ache. 

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Dear bank account,

Please stop hiding my money. I worked hard for that.

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Dear husband,

Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for backing me up. Thank you for being so kind, and caring and helpful. Thank you for being everything a husband and a father should be. 

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Dear E,

Thank you for another perfect Friday. You were so well behaved and so good with Baby Lyra. You had us in stitches over lunch.

I'm sorry I wasn't watching you when I fell off the bench and split your lip. Well done for being such a trooper.

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Dear weather,

Make your mind up. The washing is on the line and I really would prefer it dry, not sodden. I'd like to go out in my summer wardrobe without wellingtons and raincoats. If you must rain, just rain from offset and we'll call today a write-off.

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Dear Old Armchair,

Please fit in the car. I really don't fancy driving you to another county on top of the Fiat Panda. I'm not sure it's all that safe, but even if it is, I will feel a muppet driving such a huge chair on top of such a tiny car.

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